Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.  â€“ Cyril Connolly (1903 – 1974)

I guess that’s why people write weblogs.  I stand corrected.

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In the spirit of introspection, I have a few thoughts potentially worth sharing.

When you find yourself at a point in life where you’re doing or have done things you swore you’d never do, where you’ve become or are becoming someone you swore you’d never be, and you begin trying to answer that nagging voice deep inside that says, “How the hell did I get here?” what do you do?  When you look inside yourself and some of what you see disgusts you to the point of being physically ill, where do you go from there?

Let me try to answer my own queries.

You move forward, in some direction.  Perhaps you run away from what you see, hiding and denying its existance.  Perhaps you try to accept what you’ve become; say “I am what I am, world; take me or leave me!”; and continue down this new road (and if you do, you should take time to grieve the loss of old expectations and dreams).  Perhaps you become honest with yourself and with others about your discovery, and you make a change.  Perhaps you adopt the mentality of Boxer from Animal Farm and just say “I will work harder.”  The point is, as we all know, that you can never go back.  What’s done is done.  (Clichés stem from truth.)

Today, I move forward.  I step into unknown territory, scary territory, and I say this:

I don’t like what I see.  I know how to change it, but knowing and doing are separate and unequal.  Doing is difficult, but I will try.  I will probably fail.  God help me get back up and try again.

Wish me luck.  (Further advice is most certainly welcomed.)

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On a lighter note, I’ve given up on Catch 22.  Any other suggestions?

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