Then you came to the right place.  Let me help you out by giving you something that will probably make you laugh out loud.

Great necklace, right? 

Here’s the explanation:  This morning, my right eye was bothering me, so I took out my contact and cleaned it off, and then put it back in, which felt worse, so I took it out again.  That didn’t help, so I went to Duane Reade and got eye wash.  I flushed my eye three times in the ladies’ room, exactly as instructed by the package directions, but it still hurt like hell and was really really red and inflamed.  My boss called his opthamologist, and described the problem, who before Eldad had finished his description said he was fairly sure he knew what had happened:  he thinks that I’ve “eroded” some of the eye tissue (for lake of a better term), which will regenerate overnight; but he says the fastest way to make it regenerate is to try not to move it at all — hence the eye patch (with a gauze cushion underneath).  I’ll go see a doctor tomorrow if the pain and inflammation hasn’t gone away or gets worse.  Until then,

bring on the pirate jokes.  Argh.